There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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