i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
