we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
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In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
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How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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