dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
