Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
