The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
