for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
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Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
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Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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