I didn't shave. On purpose
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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