how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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