God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
