checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
