I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
