Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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