I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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