I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
