IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
