so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
