So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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