shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
