Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
