I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Randomize
