his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
