i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
