I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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