why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
