I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
