Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
