i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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