My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
