We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
