This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
