One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
