I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
