does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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