Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
