How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
