why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
nutella sex= disaster
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
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