is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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