I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
