But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
