I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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