don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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