i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize