Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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