New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
