I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
