Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
