Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
