Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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