Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
