I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
