I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
