He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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