If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
