How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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