I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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