This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
