nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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