on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
