we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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