no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
